Bleach:My life Could anything else go wrong?
by pawned90210
Summary: My life... Could anything else go wrong? Me and my friend are thrown into the mix.
1. Bleach 01

My life was average at first. Just a normal boy, with slightly normal… scratch that, absolutely mad friends and a normal teen life. Until today. I lived in Weston-super mare, which kinda sucked, and me and one mad friend called Riley were taking a stroll down the beach on our way to some rocks when life fucked over with a brick up its ass. Due to our nature, nothing ever works out for us. As we walked and talked, people laughed, seagulls ate, and little kids (plus Riley) tried to kick them. We didn't have that many different things to talk about, but we talked a lot about the things we did have. Games, anime's and . (Look it up =p) it caught everyone's eye though. On the horizon, there was a slight glint, and it grew bigger and bigger. It kept doing that as it got closer and closer to the beach head. By this point, people started to panic a lot as a whole town flew towards the beach. Everybody ran apart from us, because we knew what town it was.

Karakura town.

Fun (!)

"Hey you two! Get the hell away from there!" an officer shouted as police flooded the place.

"Hey Riley?"

"Yeah?"

"We should so go there."

"Yeah"

"I mean, 'cos I've still got an hour so…"

"K" We just stood there for a minute as they officer warned us twice over. As he walked over, we just continued staring at the town.

"You boys need to get out of here."

"Ok...FUCK OFF!" we both shouted as we sprinted for the wall and launched ourselves over the wall. We ran around the town for about ten minutes trying to lose the cop until we had to resort to…. PARCOR! We jumped up, across, and down buildings until we finally lost him.

"Fuck yes!" I fist pumped the air as I watched Riley double over on the floor. "Come on! We have to find the school or we'll never see them!"

"Dude *huff* you need to *huff* calm down!" he replied, standing up straight to walk round a corner. Before I went round, I could here a gasp, a muffled protest, another gasp, and then a voice shouting

"YOU PERVERT! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH HER LIKE THAT!"

I looked round to see Riley assuming the foetus position as Tasuki and Chizuru beat the shit out of him.

"Shit Riley, they just love you don't they?" They stopped kicking and looked at me taking one of those mediocre bad guys poses by leaning on the wall. "O Tasuki, word of advice, don't curb stop. You always lift your leg too high and you end up flashing every one. Chizuru is the only person who appreciates that. But then again, I kinda do as well." I carried on talking, not noticing the wave of anger heading my way.

"What did you say?!" I looked down slightly to see her fail to look me squarely in the face, even on her tip toes.

"Heh, your tiny"

"Being small has its benefits!" she shouted, punching me in the balls.

"My apologies" I squeaked, falling to the floor.

"Who the hell are you two anyways?"

"Names Joe." I grunted, looking for something that I could balance on. When I did, I pulled my self to one knee, earning a squeak of off Tasuki.

"Get your hand off my ass!" She shouted, looking me square in the eyes.

"But I'm not…" I looked to see that I was in fact holding her butt. "AAH! Sorry! I didn't mean to…. I was just…pffft. What's the point?" I dragged my self and walked over to Riley to help him up as well.

"Oooo." I pointed at Ichigo "Have you met Rukia yet?"

"How do you know her?" he replied.

"Spoilers!" I giggled, walking off, and leaving them to ponder on what I'd just asked.


	2. Bleach 02

"Dude, should you really have done that?"

"What are they gonna-" I was cut off as an unknown force smashed into my face, sending me flying back past everyone and down the street. I landed on my feet and just managed to lift my arms up to deflect a punch from said unknown force, before looking up and realising it was Rukia who was trying to kill me. "What the f-" I was cut off as she grabbed both my arms and launched me back down the street. I looked to my side and saw Riley and Renji standing next to each other, having a normal chat like two guys do.

"Grab the other one you twat!" She shouted at him, grabbing the collar of my shirt and punching my face into the ground, then yanking me back up and chucking me again into a Seikimon. I heard shouting and looked down to see Riley, Renji and Rukia all coming through as well. I can't explain what its like going through a Seikimon, but it's really weird. As i got to the end, I tucked and rolled, head butting some one on the other side, Riley landing to my left, and Renji and Rukia stepping out as though it's normal. I stood up, and saw Toshiro sat on the floor in front of me, rubbing his head.

"CAPTAIN HITSUGAYA! Oh shit, I'm so sorry! I didn't see you- I mean, you're not small, it's just that-"

"Stop talking." I helped him up and dusted him off, while vain may as well popped off his forehead.

"DUDE!" Riley shouted. "WE'RE IN THE SOUL SOCIETY! WE COULD DO SO MUCH SHIT!"

"I KNOW! We would have to be soul reapers first but I FUCKING KNOW!" We stood there as the first seven captains just stared at us, apart from the captain commander, who couldn't be seen at the moment. "OOOOOOH! Captain Shunsui. Is there any chance we would be able to have a audience with the captain commander?"

"Well, you'd probably have one any ways, seeing as you are a pair of ryoka." He replied.

"And what would you want an audience with me for?" I looked to my left to find the captain-commander standing there.

"Was he always there?" I mouthed to Riley

"Don't think so." He replied

"Well?" He asked again.

"Well, we... er... we was wondering if it was possible if we could... maybe... become agents of the shinigami..."

"...This seems like something we should talk about in private. Follow me."

We walked in silence to his office, but it wasn't really a office, more a meeting room. It finally came to me that it was the Captain's meeting room. We stood in silence for a few minutes as the Captain-Commander stood there and stroked his beard like a stereotypical old man, before finally coming to the conclusion.

"Why do you two want to become shinigami?"

"Because we want to protect our loved ones from hollows!" I saluted like they do in 'attack on titan'.

"I just want to beat the crap outta them!" Riley smirked, not bothering to salute or bow or anything.

"I see. And why should I let you be shinigami?"

"So that we can beat the crap outta hollows." He smirked again.

"So that we can help protect the Soul Society!" I saluted again.

"Hmm...Who would you both like to serve under?"

"Captain Ukitake sir!" Riley finally saluted an army salute.

"Two things." I said "One, you salute with your left hand." Riley instantly swapped his arms. "And two, I would like to serve under either Captain Shunsui, or under Captain Sui-Feng."

"Understood. I will be holding a meeting later. I will talk to them about it then."

"Thank you sir." With that we left, anticipating what would happen. (Is that the right word? Scratch that.) Hoping of what could happen.

Later that day!

I walked down the corridor to the meeting room and saw two guards stood outside the door.

"Where do you think your going?" One shouted, both crossing their blades in front of the door.

"I was going to talk in the meeting."

"like hell you are. You are not stepping foot in there without the Captain-Commanders permission!"

"But I-"

"Fuck off kid!" One shouted, smacking me with the butt of his blade. I crumpled to the floor, shielding my temple from any more attacks.

"Fucking TWAT!" I shouted, grabbing and ramming him through the door as Riley came down the other end of the corridor.

"... will be executed on sokyoku hill."

"LIKE FUCK SHE WILL!" I shouted, shoving the guard aside and shouting at the Captain-Commander. "She's done nothing wrong! She was unfit to fight and thousands would have died if she hadn't made that choice!"

"I don't agree with this as well, but this is the orders of central 46-"

"With all due respect sir, fuck 'em! They are just a bunch of old men locked up because they are too scared. You're the Captain-Commander!"

"How dare you talk to the captain like that!" Sui-Feng shouted.

"I will talk however necessary until I am able to assure myself that Rukia is safe!"

"You don't even know her!" Byakuya stated. (Or tried)

"I probably know her more then you do!"

"Excuse me?!"

"Hisane." I muttered.

"What did you just say?!" He was losing it.

"SILENCE!" Yammamoto shouted. "The execution is set and decided. All captains are to report back to their barracks. Shunsui and Ukitake are to stay here." After a few minutes, everybody was out, Byakuya gave me a dirty look, and the two captains were as puzzled as ever.

"What would you want us for?" Shunsui asked.

"I never learnt you names." He stated to me and Riley.

"Oh... of course. My name is Riley, and that's Joe." I saluted again, my fist on my heart.

"Hmm...What do you know about Rukia?"

"While I may not be able to tell you, we can help you as much as possible."

"Well, captains?"

"Yes sir?" They both asked.

"Would you two like a new assistant?"

"Well, a new helper is always nice." Ukitake stated.

"Would you have a preferred one out of these two?"

"If I may say, Ukitake should take him in." I stated. "For two reasons. One, I believe that Captain Ukitake would be able to bring out the best in him. Two, he would be able to get closer to Kiyone. I know for a fact that he would be very-" He punched me across the room in the very stereotypical anime way.

"Well I guess that means I have Joseph." Shunsui commented. "When do we get them?"

"You talk as though we're toys."Riley commented.

"You get them straight away." Yammamoto spoke back. "You are the one's that will give them the power."

"Oh." Shunsui seemed taken aback.

"You are to take them to you'r barracks and go through the procedure, understood?"

"Yes sir!" They both bowed, Riley army saluted, and I AOT saluted. We walked out and after the two captains spoke, and we acted like a pair of school girls.

"Wait, captains! Is it possible that we could do it here? I mean...it's just that...if we did do it here, it would be easier for it to happen if me and Riley could find each other quicker."

"What would be easier?"

"Well, me and Riley are good friends, competitive even. So, to put it short, we really wanna beat the crap outta each other."

"I see." Ukitake exclaimed, seemingly too happy about the fact that two shinigami want to try and almost kill each other.

"Well, if you agree Jushiro, then I will happily go along with it." Shunsui added. With that me and Riley stood next to each other and the captains proceeded to turn us into shinigami. After a few minuets, a couple of bright lights, and a slight burning sensation, we stopped floating and stood there as we were able to sense our own power, and were completely amazed. I looked at myself and noticed that my haori was looking different to others. For starters, it was red, and I had a longer, grey haori over it. Riley looked perfectly normal, but I felt as though there was something wrong.

"Dude, why don't you have normal clothes?" Riley asked.

"Because I'm a bad-ass."

"Pfft, that wouldn't make a- Why am I not different?"

"Obviously your not a bad-"

"CATCH!" He shouted, launching a Sōkatsui at me. I cursed wildly, while attempting to slap it away.

"OH REALLY? FINE THEN! Shakkahō!" I shouted, aiming for him and firing it point blank at him. I looked at the captains with a burnt look. Well, more of a burnt face. They looked back with surprise at me, mainly because we both fired a level 31 or a level 35 hado. I looked back at Riley, but couldn't see past all the smoke contained in the small corridor.

"Oh, you did not just do that! DUEL TIME!" He shouted, punching me in the arm and sprinting down the corridor. I sprinted after him, launching myself down stairs and past other shinigami, rounding up about 200 of them. We finally got to our battle area, which was the future-battle area of Ichigo and Kenpachi.

"Right then!" We stood back to back, our eyes closed. "We both rush to the end of the area. Once there, we sprint back and fight." I stated.

"Good. I can do that." He replied.

"OK then." There was a blast of light as my sword was summoned. Just a normal sword. For normal fighting.

YEAH RIGHT!

My blade appeared as a Katana. My hands dropped as it materialised in them. I peeked out one eye to find that I was holding a Katana, so I pointed it to the floor and hoped no one noticed. "Your turn." He summoned his as well, which turns out to be a normal Zanpakutō.

"Hey! No shikai's! That's cheating!" One shinigami shouted.

"No shikai's! Your meant to be novices!" Another shouted.

"I haven't used shika- I cant even use shikai!"

"Bullshit!" The first shinigami shouted. Veins were almost bursting out my forehead.

"Your turn." I elbowed him in the ribs and kept my Zanpakutō pointed down.

"My turn what?"

"I have no idea. Try and communicate with your Zanpakutō."

"Dude, we just started. How could I do tha-"

"Just try it!" We stood in silence for a few minutes as he sat and rested his Zanpakutō across his lap. After a few minutes, he stood back up and shouted " PIERCE THEIR SOULS! AME'O'SASU!" There was a massive flash of light as his blade was transformed from the normal asauchi to his shikai. It turnt jagged as the hilt curled around his hand, and the blade split down the middle and spiked off in all directions. The hilt carried on past his wrist and led up to his elbow, where it ended in many points. It bent back and forth, becoming a metal mess.

"Ame'o'sasu, huh?" I questioned.

"Don't you wanna try yours?"

"Naa. Leave it for something special."

"You fault when you fail."

"3...2...1...GO!"


	3. Bleach 03

We both sprinted in the opposite direction, reaching them at roughly the same time. We spun around, and launched ourselves at each other, crossing blades instantly. Dust was sent flying as shock waves emitted from the point of impact. We were sent far back, digging our heels into the floor, thus creating grooves in the floor. We flew at each other again, crossing blades. I felt his fly through my waist, and mine get jammed in him. I yanked on the blade as we both fell to the floor, hearing both blades clatter. The strange thing was that I heard three blades fall to the ground, when there was only two of us. I heard voices shouting as people rushed over to us, fussing over wounds. I sat up and caught a glimpse of Riley holding his blade up, before being shoved back down. I held my blade in front of me and noticed that half of it and been smashed clean off. My vision blurred over as the lady peered into one eye, before a searing pain shot through my waist. The last thing to leave mine and Riley's mouth that day was

"That was AWESOME!" With that, I blacked out.

In the medical clinic.

"...are attacking! I repeat, ryoka are attacking! Prep the medical clinics! All shinigami are to report to their barracks immediately! Prepare for war!" I instantly knew what was happening. Ichigo was here, and seeing as they were preparing for war, that means that they were already in the sereitei.

"Good. Your awake." I looked to my side to see Isane sitting there, holding a clipboard. "Unfortunately, I can not say the same for your friend." I looked round to see a plain white wall, with only my bed, the IV drip, and Isane's chair in it.

"How many ryoka are there?" I questioned, already knowing the answer.

"Four." Knew it. "Why?"

"I have something to do." I swung my legs out from under the blanket and stood, my waist spiking in pain.

"You can't leave yet!" She ran in front of the door and spread her arms out. "You haven't healed yet."

"Isane, I don't care! I have a execution to stop, and I know you wanna stop it as well." I stared at her reluctant face before she got out the way.

"He's three doors down the left. Don't kill him."

"Thank you Isane." I saluted her, before walking down the door and proceeding to Riley's room. I found him in almost the same predicament, though instead of just being talked to, he was being wrestled by several of the medics while Unohana watched. I notified her of my presence as we stood there in silence, watching the miniature war unfold. We stood there for a full ten minutes before I marched over and yanked him out by the arm. "You, me Rukia now." I spoke in the simplest way possible. Even a ant would understand.

"Wha? What? Oh yeah. Yeah!" I slowly nudged him towards the door as he regained full balance.

"LETS GO!" We both shouted, tearing off our bandages in the most dramatic way possible. Because of this, we had stretched our stitching. This in turn had then showered the wall and surrounding shinigami with 5 pints of our blood. Each.

I woke for a few minutes to find that I was surrounded by water. I looked to my left and found Riley sitting laying there as well. I looked around and saw that we were in some sort of cave.

I woke again for a second time, and noticed that my vision seemed clouded, as though there was steam everywhere. We were both half submerged in water, and it took me mere minutes to realise where we were.

"Ichigo!" Someone shouted from behind me. "How are they?"

"Um, ones still out, and I think the other one is waking up."

"Good. What is the water like?"

"Warm. Really warm." He had a smile on his face, and looked fairly chilled.

"Good. I think I'll join you then." I shook Riley as much as physically possible, trying to wake him for the coming awesome, but to no avail. I gave up and stared at Ichigo, before crawling over to him.

"Dude, move your hands, otherwise you'll miss-" I was cut off as I was blind sided by her lower half.

"THAT'S CHEATING!" We heard from behind me. We all turned around to see Riley pointing furiously at me. "We were meant to begin at the same time! You shouldn't hit on her for a week for that!"

I looked up to see Yoruichi, eyes blazing and fits balled.

"What is he on about?" The veins literally jumped up and down on her forehead.

"Erm...well...you see..." I reached for my haori and yanked it on as I ran for my life, barely beating her.

(Play song - Krewella come and get it. Each beat is an explosion a foot away from me)

"Fuck, fuck, fuck ,FUCK!" I shouted, running around walls and rocks while we traded kido's. Unfortunately, while she used sokatsui and other high level ones, I could only throw a shakkaho back. "BITCH YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY!"

"I am, but diving head first into me is not nice!"

"I'm sorry, but you walked into me!"

"BULLSHIT!"

"AT LEAST PUT SOME-"

"BANKAI!" I looked at the source of the shout to see a stunned Ichigo and a giant suit of armour. A very spiky suit of armour. And guess who was in it.

Yeah, Riley!

We both stopped attempting to kill each other and raced down to see what was happening. Ichigo kept trying to land a hit, but each time Riley would just punch it out the way.

"Fuck you!" Riley roared, the spikes on the suit slowly growing to massive proportions, stabbing Ichigo in many a place. After a few minutes, the whole suit dispersed, and I proceeded to double drop-kick him in the face.

"Dumb ass!" I shouted "We need him alive if we're gonna save Rukia!"

"What do you know about her?!" Ichigo snapped furiously. We looked behind me to see Ichigo standing back up, his left shoulder littered with tiny holes.

"We think that her reason for execution is crap, to be honest. We want to help you save her!" As Yoruichi walked Ichigo off back to the spring, both confused, I carried on shouting at Riley for almost killing Ichigo. Not long after that, he explained how he easily achieved bankai. He said it was because Ichigo cut the hair that he was overly attached to. I looked at him a second time, before noticing that he was missing hair. Instead of it being shoulder length, it was now only down to his chin.

"Hey Riley, we should have a rematch."

"Yeah, we sho- you don't have bankai though."

"Pfft. I'm too awesome for bankai. Come on!" I walked to the other side of the miniature crevasse made by the previous fight and prepared myself for anything.

"Fine then!" He charged towards me, sword brandished high. I summoned my own and drew it in front of me, perfectly vertical. Both swords clashed furiously, sending sparks flying around us. We only landed small hits on each other, tiny cuts and scratches, before we sheathed our blades. "Do I have to make you angry before you go bankai?"

"Worked for you."

"Fine then." He walked for the ladder and started up it.

"Where are you going?"

"Well, first I'm going to kill Soi-Feng, then Isane, then Nemu."

"Pfft, they'll kick your ass!"

"Then I'll go home and kill Caitli-" (She's a girl I like...)

"BANKAI!"

"Final-" I booted him in the face, comically launching him across the cave.

"You even think of touching her, and I'll crush your face!" I dashed to him and punched him in the face with mush difficulty. I lifted my arms as they got heavier. Heavy to the point where they were almost as heavy as my whole body. They looked familiar to me, and for good reason. They looked exactly like the OGRE ARM's that strength had on BRS. I lifted them with sudden ease, then looked at Riley, who was only just getting up from the floor.

"Jesus fucking christ!" He shouted at me. "Dude, what the hell?! I know you fancy her, but still!"

"LEAVE HER ALONE!" I shouted, rushing over to him and punching him in the gut. He coughed blood across my right arm, and I swung at him with my left. It crunched into his face and sent him through the floor.

"Dude, calm the fuck down!" He shouted, getting up again, cradling a bloody cheek.

"HIT ME YOU IDIOT!" I shouted, running at him again. I saw him shut his eyes and swing his fist at me, catching my shoulder and breaking it. It blew inwards, leaving an evident dent in my arm as bone stuck out the other side. "AGAIN DAMMIT!" I shouted, kicking him in the leg. This then caused the bone in his upper leg to shatter. Screaming out in pain, he fell to the floor, holding the broken leg.

"What... the... fuck man" He murmured, attempting to stand on his legs.

"CALM THE HELL DOWN!" Someone shouted, the floor between me and Riley shattering, thus creating a giant abyss.


	4. Bleach 04

We looked for the source of the abyss, and at the end, we found a man, who looked very familiar to me. He looked like an old friend of mine from school, who not many people liked. Some how though, we managed to become friends. His clothing matched his emotional state: pitch black. He once told me that he doesn't really feel love any more, which was quite sad. His name was Hayden, and right now I wasn't thinking of any of what I'd just said. Instead, I was wondering what the hell he was doing here.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!" I shouted at him, furiously holding myself back instead of punching both of them.

"I was brought here by the captains." He replied in his monotone voice.

"Aright guys lets-" Yoruichi and Ichigo paused on the other side of the chasm to Hayden, and gave me and Riley puzzled looks. This wasn't surprising, seeing as Riley was on the floor with a broke leg, I had a broken arm and two OGRE ARMs, and there was a unknown man at the end of the chasm. "Who's that?" They both instantly entered battle stances, raising hands in his direction. ( Or swords in Ichigos position.)

"Calm down." I ran in front of them, and lowered their hands. "He's a friend of mine. No need to kill him yet."

"I like how you said "Yet"" Hayden commented.

"He'll help us with the Rukia situation." As we all walked to the ladder, I saw Yoruichi and Ichigo give Hayden dirty looks. He seemed to just shrug them off, as instead of retaliating, he just stuck one of his headphones in and started up the ladder.

"So, how long have you been a shinigami?" I asked.

"Roughly as long as you two." He countered. We carried on up in silence, before reaching the top. Once we got there, we were pointed in the general direction of the Sōkyoku. We left Yoruichi at the cave and shunpoed (?) away. Me, Ichigo, Hayden, and Riley. I sped ahead of everyone, leaving them miles behind when I reached Sōkyoku hill.

Sōkyoku hill!

As I arrived, it had already started. Rukia was already in the air, and the others were still too far away to be any help, which meant I had to stop it myself. I walked around everybody and noticed that Shunsui and Ukitake weren't here. That was, ok-ish, I suppose. I walked in front of everybody before jumping onto the most forward cube

"What the hell are you doing?" Byakuya shouted, looking at me with the same fury he had in that meeting. I ignored him and spun round to face Rukia.

"Good morning miss Kuchiki! Do you know how these things work?"

"What the hell are you doing here?" She shouted at me.

"Thats just rude! Anyways!" I spun back round and faced the captains as the Sōkyoku came alive.

"Ho ho, that's a bit hot, don't you think ma'am?" I asked Rukia, who just grumbled in reply. "Gah, your so boring! Oh, and seeing as I'm already in trouble." I looked at all the attendees. "Could some one deliver a message to Kurotsuchi please? It goes like this. ' Fuck you, you prick! You treat your daughter like shit! I hope you burn in a hole, you bastard!' Thank you, and sorry for the gross use of language.

"Anyways!" I stuck my hand out, stopping Kikōō in its place. Its power exploded around us, but I just sat there, crossed legged and uncaring, as Riley, Ichigo, Hayden, Shunsui and Ukitake all arrived. "You finally got here!" I crossed my legs and punched Kikōō into the ground, before waving at them all. All the attendees turnt and saw them standing there, Ukitake with the shield, and everybody prepared for the oncoming battle. "Lets stop an execution!" I shouted, and jumped off the edge, landing on Kikōō and smashing it even further through the hill. The two captains subdued Kikōō, and hell rained supreme as everyone took on each other, and Rukia flew across the sky. Riley ran after Renji and Rukia, Hayden attacked Ōmaeda, and I ran with Ichigo after Byakuya. I got within feet of Byakuya before a force strong enough to fly me off the hill did so. I turned around in mid air to see that it was Sui-Feng and Yoruichi fighting, and it didn't take me long to figure out it was them who knocked me off the edge. As we landed, there was a loud *BOOM* as we landed in trees, and eventually the floor. Upon landing, I instantly sprung up and raced across the forest to find them, hoping that none of them were hurt. I found them deflecting each others blows. I ran over to pull them apart, but instead received a kick from both of them.

"Get the hell out the way!" Yoruichi shouted.

"TRAITOR!" Sui-Feng shouted, kicking me again. All I did was raise my hand in defence, before softly throwing her foot to the floor. "WHY?!" At this point, I remembered a very important thing that should happen in a minute.

"SHIT! Yoruichi, we have to get back up there, NOW!"

"Why?" She replied.

"DON'T IGNORE ME!" Sui-Feng shouted, attempting to kick me again.

"No time to explain, just go!" I grabbed Sui-Fang by the waist and flung her over my shoulder as we shunpoed up the cliff, Sui-Feng kicking and shouting. "Look!" I shouted. "If you don't stop kicking me, I will throw you off this cliff, and don't think I won't, because its really god damn annoying!"

"I'm sorry." She silenced herself immediately, and we carried on up the cliff in silence. We got to the top of the hill and found Ichigo, Rukia, Riley, Tosen, Gin, Aizen. Not long after we arrived, everyone else did.

"AIZEN!" I shouted, putting down Sui-Feng and earning a slap. "Aizen! Step away from Rukia right now!" At this point, I'd forgotten and couldn't care less about what's meant to happen. "Step away from her, and I'll get the Hogyoku for you."

"Oh, you know what the Hogyoku is?" He asked

"Please. You probably planned all this shit. And yes, I do know it, and I know where it is."

"Oh, good. You can get it then."

"Fine, but afterwards I want you to answer me something."

"Of course."

"What the hell are you doing?!" Ichigo yelled, his sword drawn between Rukia and me and Aizen.

I ignored him and did what was asked of me.

"Joe, what the hell are you doing?" Riley and Hayden asked in tandem.

"Guys, we know how this pans out. We just have to help it along." Everyone looked in shock as I shoved him out the way and walked over to Rukia. "I'm sorry if this hurts. I promise I'll explain everything." And I retrieved the Hogyoku from Rukia and held her there for a second before turning to Aizen while passing her to Ichigo. "I know what you did to the visords, and to Urahara. I don't understand why you would betray the shinigami. Also, why haven't I got fullbring?"

"Why would you?"

"Because I know for a fact that my parents were either attacked by you or hollows."

"Well, not everyone has fullbring when their parents are attacked."

"Someone explain what fullbring is!" Ichigo shouted.

"You'll figure it out soon!" I shouted at him, my temples attempting to kill him with super throbbing powers.

"The Hogyo-"

"SOSUKE AIZEN!" We all looked to see the Captain-Commander standing there, still a hunchback, with Unohana and Byakuya standing next to him. "Stand down immediately!" I gave the Hogyoku to Aizen, and with that the cracking of the sky. Giant fingers creeped out from the crack and tore it open, causing many Menos Grandes to be seen by many on the single most historic site in the whole of the soul society.

"How would you like a place as an Espada?" I looked at Aizen in pure shock, and so did Riley.

"Why me?" I asked.

"Well, not you alone. I would happily take him as well." He pointed to Hayden. I sat on the floor and pondered the idea. After a few minutes, I got back up and walked over to Aizen.

"I have three conditions. Not anything overly big though."

"What?"

"1) You take Riley, and me and him are a dual package of Espada 2. 2) Hayden is the third Espada. And finally 3)... I'll think of number three later."

"Why not first? You would technically be first anyways."

"We all have reasons for what we do, don't we? I have mine."

"Well then, come along you three."

"TRAITOR!" Rukia shouted, still resting in Ichigos arms. We left, using the negacion from the Menos' to grab me, Hayden, Riley, Tosen, Gin and Aizen. As we ascended, many looked at us in shock, horror, and disgust. As the garganta closed, the last thing I saw was a smile from Shunsui before it was nothingness.

Hueco Mundo

"This place is so boring!" I shouted. "Its nothing but sand for miles!" It actually was. Just a giant dessert and quartz trees. Thats what made this place so special. Well, that and the masochistic little girl who gets chased around all day for kicks. Lets not get into that yet. Yet.

"So, we need to fin Coyo- The first Espada." I told Aizen. "STARRK!" I called out. "STARRK! COYOTE STARRK! LILLYYNETT GINGERBUCK! GET YOUR ASSES OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!" I looked in the opposite direction and went to shout again before I saw two cloaked figures approaching us. "Ah. Aizen, meet Coyote starrk and lillynette Gingerbuck." As they got closer, their spiritual power became more and more noticeable.

"Riley." I called. He ignored me. "RILEY!" I called again. I walked up to him and followed his line of site, which was directed at one poor girl being chased in circles across the desert. I walked as close as possible to him and in his ear, I shouted "FUCKING LISTEN TO ME!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" He shouted, jumping three feat in the air and drawing his sword. "What the hell was that?"

"Go get Nel. Aizen needs to meet her."

"Okedoki."

"Aizen, we need to go to-"

"Who put you in charge?" Tosen questioned. "Aizen-sama is the one who brought us-"

"Shut up! I'm actually trying to help him. Jesus christ. We need to go to Las Noches. Once there, we will get two new Espada, and a place to call home." I started down the hill, but tripped on a quartz root and fell in front of Nel. This caused her and everyone behind her to trip and fall on me. This in turn, caused me to suffocate due to the ridiculous amount of boob in my face. Don't get me wrong, it was good, but it would have been better if it was on my own accord. As I slowly died, I attempted to move. This though, only caused me to die quicker, because the combined weight of Nel, Pesshe, Dondochakka, Bawabawa, and Riley was a bit much. So as my life flashed before my eyes, I made peace with the world. I looked over all regrets and said sorry, and thanked everyone who'd ever helped me. Unfortunately, the weight started to lessen. This was annoying because I had already made peace. I now know what Rukia felt like when chigo saved her... Thinking about my life made something very important occur to me. Family.

"OH CRAP!" I shouted, before launching myself off the floor and past Riley and back down the hill. "Aizen, may we return to the human world for immediate problems?"

"What for?"

"Family, my lord."

"I don't get the whole prospect of family."

"Please my lord. It is a dire need for me and my friends to return to the human world."

"Go."

"Thank you." And with a click of his fingers, a garganta opened up. As we walked through, I noticed Tosen give me a dirty look before walking away.

"WAIT FOR ME!" I turned around just to be shoved into the garganta by Nel herself. Instead of helping me, Riley was also pulled into the portal, which if you didn't know can be dangerous, as you could fall into nothingness. I just managed to spread my reiatsu out enough to catch all of us as Hayden walked in,

"Fuck!" I muttered, trying to catch my breath as I got to one knee, Nel and Riley on either side. "Do you know how dangerous that was?!" I shouted. "You could have killed us!"

"I'm sorry."

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE?!" I shouted again.

"Because I just wanted to be with you!"

"You don't even know us! Why would you go with complete strangers?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" She shouted at me. Something caught my eye as we exited the garganta.

"I completely forgot about this place! Aright guys, home time!" I looked behind me and saw the gate closing, with Nel on our side. "HO NO YOU DON'T!" I reached for it and slipped, landing on my poor ass, my arm half way through the portal as it shut, chopping it off at the elbow. Blood shot out it like there was no tomorrow. Riley swore like there was no tomorrow, and Nel fussed over my arm like... you get it. Slowly, the colour drained from my face.

"YOU TWO FAGGOTS!" I looked slightly to the left to take a rainbow to the face (Double drop kick. DMC 4), sending me across the same street Rukia did a few days ago.

"Ichigo!" Someone else shouted from behind me, barging him out the way.

"What the hell are you doing?"

"He's a wounded shinigami!" The unmistakable voice of Orihime.

"He doesn't count any more!"

"I DON'T CARE!" She snapped. As I slowly bled out, a little orange caught my eye, and I instantly knew what it was. Santen Kesshun


	5. Bleach 05

The next day

"BANKAI!" I shouted for the hundredth time.

"What are you doing?" A small voice asked from behind me. I turned around to see Orihime in her PJs, yawning. This made me yawn, and realise how tired I actually was.

"My *yawn* bankai isn't working for some reason."

"You shouldn't strain yourself as it is. You are *yawn* missing an arm as it is."

"Yeah whatever. BANKAI!... DAMMIT! Where are we anyway?"

"My house. Why?"

"Curious. Where's Riley?"

"He went home. Also, according to him, your parents think your staying at his."

"Huh. Wonder if she actually fell for it. BANKAI! GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"

"If you keep shouting like that, you'll wake the whole town." I took in the sights of the area before spotting Uryū looking up at me from under the walkway, doing his signature glasses push.

"Ishida. First time we've talked."

"Yes. Why are you shouting like a blockhead?"

"Because I can."

"Please leave Miss Inoue alone. I'm sure she doesn't want to be disturbed."

"Up your-"

"It's fine." She shouted, practically jumping into me as she waved at him. All I could think was: Massive. Overly massive. "I'm looking after him until his arm is sorted out. How is that anyway?" She asked, staring at me with overly attentive eyes.

"Hurts like a bitch. I think that's a good thing though. Where's Nel?"

"I don't know. She went through this portal thingy, then disappeared." She... made her own bloody garganta?! That little... (Activate ticking clock for 10 seconds) FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.

"BANKAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" I shouted, full of rage for the fact that I didn't need to lose an arm.

"Maybe you should try it diff-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP! BANKAI!" I shouted at Uryū, my mouth covered by a long red ribbon that was as long as I, and flowed behind me. One eye had what resembled Asuka's eye patch, and the other looked like Ichigo's hollow eyes. "BANKAI!"

* * *

As I opened my eye, petals fell from the sky. Lots of tiny pink petals flowing everywhere. I sat up and looked around. I found that I was on top of a cliff by myself, with a singular standing blossom tree. All below the cliff, chaos reigned supreme. Buildings fell, people cried and shouted, and others stabbed each other. For unknown reasons, they fought and everything apart from the cliff was destroyed. The buildings fell, but there seemed to be another one in its place, as though it never fell.

"Did you know a cherry blossom petal falls at 5 cm per second?" There was two people in front of the tree, and one walked over to me and held out his hand. He looked like a older version of Riley. The other stayed sat on the root of the tree, not bothering to move at all. He was highly pale, and had waist-length crimson hair. In his hand, he held a long red ribbon, like mine, and wore the same eye patch, but on his right eye instead of his left.

"Thanks." I grabbed his hand and he pulled me up. He was taller then me by a foot roughly. "Where the hell are we?"

"SHUT UP!" The other one shouted. "I'm listening to the music."

"What mu-" Older-Riley held a finger to his mouth and hushed me.

"Listen." The pale one whispered, even though I could hear it. I stood there in silence, trying to focus on 'the music'. Slowly but surely, a noise did emerge. The clashing of blades, the boom of gunshots, and the shouting of many a men surrounded the hill

"What the hell is going on here?!" I shouted at Riley.

"Ask him." He pointed to the pale one. I looked at him and all he said was:

"Don't ask me, it's your head."

"I've heard of internal conflict, but this is stupid." I looked at Riley and resisted the urge to punch him.

"What do you mean internal conflict?"

"Do you like blossom trees?"

"Yes. Why?"

"What do you like about them?"

"If there is a garden of them, I think they look pretty."

"What do you think this one represents?"

"No bloody idea."

"THEN LET ME SHOW YOU!" He wrapped the ribbon around his mouth like mine was, and whipped out my katana. He flew towards me, holding the point of the blade towards me. I swung for his face, but he dodged it, slashing at my waist. Blood sprayed everywhere, covering part of the cliff in blood. He yanked the blade, but it didn't budge.  
I grabbed the blade next to the hand guard to stop it from moving, and swung at his face, landing a clean hit. I carried on punching him in the face, shouting "FUCK YOU!" each time. He finally picked me up with the sword and flung me off it and into the tree. I slammed against it, my sides aching from being slashed twice in the same spot.

"Now tell me, what does that represent?!"

"I said I don't fucking know!" He threw the sword at me, and it stuck through one of my left lung, going through that and getting stuck in the tree.

"That tree is your fighting spirit. It's the only sane thing here, and everything else is utter madness." Riley commented." What ever happens to your spirit, happens to this tree. Don't let that tree die, or everything you know and love will be worthless. Now kick his ass." I grabbed the hilt of the blade and yanked it out, using it to balance myself as I swayed from side to side. I stared at him as he re-wrapped the ribbon, and adjusted his eye patch.

"You realise... you realise that I'll still... still kick yo ass." I grunted.

"What gives you that idea?" The pale one asked, seemingly entirely curious.

"Because." I replied.

"Because what?"

"Because I can. BANKAI!" My blade split in two and surrounded my body, and started to cover it with a light green, purple and orange metal. It then proceeded to tighten around me with such force that I would have been rocketed around if not for the fact that it was all at the same time. Many of my bones broke at that point, which to be fairly honest, bloody hurt. My broken shoulders stuck out my shoulder-y area, which made the 'Shoulder blade look' and the same happened to my knees. I stood up to the best of my ability, my knee caps being the most painful thing possible.

"Because you can?" He taunted. "That the best you got?"

"Try 'Because Evangelion'!" I roared, sprinting to towards him and spear-heading his chest. We both flew across the cliff, and would have fallen off if not for the cliff, which shot out a sheet of rock to catch us. We landed and I instantly layed into him, cracking several ribs before pulling him up, and stomping the floor while launching him across the cliff again. As I stomped the floor, something launched out the ground, and as soon as possible, I grabbed it and threw it with as much power as possible, thus impaling him on the tree. I sprinted towards him and mustered as much power as possible before punching his face through half the tree. As I grabbed what I had thrown at him, I realized it was a human sized 'Lance Of Longinus'( Many an Evangelion reference =).) I yanked it out the tree, caught him in between the two tines and slammed him head first on the floor, before stabbing both shoulders and flinging him far away. I walked over to the edge of the cliff and searched for him, but failed to find him.

"Where are you, you shit!" I looked towards the hoards of army's to see the read ribbon along the black of the hoards. I hefted the lance above my shoulder before launching it at him, but somehow missed. I looked at Riley and noticed that everything was green-ish, and panicked for a full five minutes before realising it was the Eva. "Riley, what's his name, and why are you both here?"

"His name is Ugimaru Marawu (YAY for previous fan fiction!), and he is you Zanpakuto's spirit. He is the reason you have bankai, and shikai. He also shares some of the same appearances as you. You both had the eye patch, and the ribbon." I looked behind me to see that even with the Eva armour on, the ribbon still flowed freely out the back of the helmet. "Changes will occur to you as they do to him, and vice versa."

"Ok. What about you?"

"I, as you can tell, am Riley."

"Why do you look older?"

"I never was able to find that out. To be honest though, Ugimaru looked exactly like you when you first got you powers. Maybe it's a time thing. Anyways. I am here as your power link to Riley."

"Power link?"

"Yes. Your powers are liked. This may sound cheesy, or stupid, but you two have this weird friendship thingy that has liked your powers. When one of you die, the other one does as well."

"So, don't die? Does he know that?"

"Nope. You need to go now. There are many people worrying over you."

"But I-"

"Remember the name Kiyone Kotetsu. It's important to him."

"To who?"

"Goodbye. Please return, it gets very lonely here." After a deep sigh, I agreed to return soon, and as the world faded out, I could hear someone behind me whisper "Thank you." Unfortunately, I couldn't see who it was, but I had a good guess who.

"Wait a god damn minute!" I shouted, stopping the fade-out. "How the hell did I get bankai without even knowing my Zanpakuto's name?"

"That's me you dumb ass!" I looked behind me and saw Ugimaru sat back on a tree root.

"I kinda gathered that!" I shouted back. "But I didn't know that before!"

"You did the same thing as Kenpachi."

"What, I forced you into bankai? (!)"

"Yeah." He replied in the most monotone voice he could muster.

"Oh." And as the world started to fade out again, we both raised our middles fingers at each other, and I noticed that the armour had started to disappear. The middle of my arm had disappeared, and half my face was visible.

* * *

Back at the house

I slowly awoke to the sound of two or tree voices shouting at each other.

"He's waking up!" One shouted.

"Get that damn gauntlet off of him." Another shouted.

"It won't budge!" The first shouted, who sounded a lot like Nel.

"God dammit!" I slurred, trying to sit up, but about six hands pushed me back down.

"Dude, are you aright?" Riley asked, his head visible behind Nel's and Orihime's.

"Er, yeah... I think..." I rubbed my head for a few seconds before attempting to sit up again, which they let me do.

"What the hell happened to you?" He asked.

"Basically, I got high, got stabbed, and learned a new move."

"All you did was swear at Uryū, then faint." Orihime pointed out.

"THANK GOD YOU ALIVE!" Nel shouted, giving me the biggest bear hug possible without crushing my ribs.

"What the hell happened to your arm?" I looked at it and saw that the whole of my right arm had stayed armoured, while the rest had disappeared.

"I have no idea... When did that get there?"

"When you started talking about the ' Lance or Longinus', whatever that is. Did you know you talk in your sleep?"

"No I did no- How do you know I talk in my- HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING ME SLEEP?!"

"No! I swear! Nel told me!"

"Don't try and blame this on me!" She shouted at her.

"But you did!"

"I didn't say it was a bad thing." I murmured.

"It was me!" Nel piped up.

"See! I told you!" Orihime shouted, pointing wildly at Nel. As they continued to shout, I slowly nudged over to Riley before striking a deal.

"Fight. Winner gets first pick of girls out of them all."

"When?"

"What's the time?"

"12:00"

"Half hour."

"Deal. Winner takes all."

"Even better." I looked at the two girls, who had moved on to pulling each others hair. This made me realise that if we don't do anything, they'd kill each other. But at the same time, I could tell that we all wanted to see how it would turn out. They then went on to tearing at clothing and slapping. I looked at the now drooling Riley before the girls again, and ended up drooling myself.

"You two need to stop before you ruin the apartment." They stopped and we looked at Uryū, who was stood in the doorway, with the comical glasses push. The only thought that rolled through my head, and most likely Riley's, was "You absolute ass hole!"

"I hope you burn." I heard Riley mutter under his breath while staring at him. I knew it! I looked back at the girls and as they stood up, they gave the other death glares. I scanned them both, their clothes torn in roughly the same places. Around their thighs, their torsos and their sleeves.

"I'ma kick yo ass!" Riley shouted, smacking the back of my head and running out the door.

"Come at me bitch!" I shouted, running after him, summoning Ugimaru at the same time. I chased him out the house, shikai ready as he summoned ase'o'sasu and launched himself over the railing, landing in a ready-to-fight stance. I jumped on the railing and launched myself halfway down the street. I held my blade in front of myself and counted down. "Three... Two... ONE!" I sprinted towards him, sword drawn with my arms stretched down my leg length, and my blade held forwards. I swung the blade with my left hand, using it as a decoy, while swinging with my right foot. He blocked with an arm, and threw it down, while swinging for my left hand. I jumped out the way and kicked him in the ribs, sending him into a building down the far end of the street. I ran forwards and pulled him out the rubble by his face and slammed him into the floor. As I went to stab him, he spun on the floor (Like they do on DMC4 when you revive them), jumped up, and double drop-kicked my chest, winding me and sending me back down the street. I looked behind me and picked up what looked way too much like Nero's coat. (Moar DMC. =))

"Dude! That bloody hurt!" He shouted at me. "You fractured my damn ribcage!"

"Should I care?!" I shouted back.

"BANKAI!" He roared.

"Oh fucking hell!" I moaned, before being punched into a building right behind me, while thanking god that he wasn't angry enough to start up the spike system.

"5" He counted.

"What?"

"4" I pulled on the coat.

"3"

"Stop bloody counting!"

"2"

"SCREW YOU!"

"1!" Spikes exploded everywhere, braking several buildings around us. Just barely avoiding being impaled, I crawled through all the little gaps to get to Riley. As I got half way there though, spikes started to shoot out of the original spikes. Just barely avoiding them again, I carried on until I was finally trapped, a spike for each limb. As one last one flew towards my stomach, I realised just how stuck I was. Really stuck. As the spike came within seconds of my stomach, my knee cap broke, unleashing that armour for my leg, which stretched out just enough to catch the tip of the spike.


End file.
